So let's talk about what went on in therapy yesterday.
I have this overwhelmingly strong belief that I should be able to stop anything from my past from impacting my current behavior/lifestyle. This includes the two times that I was raped. I legitimately think I shouldn't let myself be impacted at all by these deeply disturbing experiences, and beat myself up constantly if I am. Needless to say, the fact that I have PTSD from it really grates on me, but that's a story for another time.
Well, throughout therapy, we keep touching on these common themes of unworthiness and fear of conflict. To this day and as a 26 year-old woman, I constantly question my worth, feel like I'm in the way/a burden, and literally shut down like a child when conflict arises. Much to my distaste, my therapist has been poking and prodding for early childhood memories that would explain this behavior, and, much to my dismay, she thinks she found something. My parents fought when I was growing up. It wasn't all the time, and it wasn't ever physical, but there was a lot of screaming going on. As a toddler, I used to position myself outside of their door and just rock myself while they screamed and yelled. To their credit, they didn't know this, and were just going through adult stuff and trying their best. I have really great parents and was blessed with a solid childhood. But according to my therapist, this happened during my formative years, where I needed to feel safe and secure, and, well, didn't. As time went on and I developed speech, I would try to intervene in my parents' fights to stop them, but would either be shut down or turned on, and this, according to the therapist, is where I started to develop my current traits, feeling in the way/unworthy of being paid attention to, and shutting down during an argument. To this day, if my dad is terse or raises his voice, my eyes well up and I feel like I need to vomit and start to shake. As a 26 year-old woman, this happens. And it pisses me off, because I can't be doing that, and I want to be a well-adjusted adult, not a three year-old little girl on the inside.
If you got this far, give yourself a ⭐