You know, for some people doing something simple like buying pants is an actual chore.
Not leggings, not jeans, not gym tights or pantyhose but actual pants.
It's a damn insecurity for me, but I felt that I came to point that I needed a nice pare of tight pants to wear with a simple white button down, like a normal person.
For a couple years now, since I returned to Israel, I pushed off this task knowing It's not gonna make me feel great.
In most stores here I am the largest size they have in pants cause I have a big butt and thick thighs and all that. Even my Bally fat has been increasing lately due to health issues.
I work out hard, I eat well and healthy and this is who I am, not giving excuses, but this is me after 2-3 days a week at the gym and a daily routine of salads and barely any carbs or fats. This is the version of my body that's works extremely hard to maintain its physic in the same/ better shape.
And this version is the biggest size they have in most stores.
And every rational thought and fiber of my soul tells me it's not my effing fault, it's so much more complex than my butt not fitting in a pare of tight pants, and still, going to the mall, waking through stores, trying on a bunch of pants and not fitting in most of them, can get Discouraging even to the strongest of souls and minds.
I ended up not buying these btw, cause they didn't feel the best but I tried, I tried a bunch and left the mall with a bag in my hand and a proud feeling. That I didn't let them get to me, not the numbers on the ticket attached to the back of my pant, not the way store employees looked at me when I asked "what's the biggest size you carry? Do you have size 44-46?", and walking away with a pair of new pants with the number 46 written on them, knowing damn straight that I have pants at home from years ago that still fit with the number 42, and that size increase in stores is a real thing.
And feeling that it's okay, I'm strong today, and will never let a pair of pants upset me again.